


spirit lead me (where my trust is without borders)

by rowenabane



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Death, M/M, Murder, One-Sided Attraction, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Serial Killers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 09:43:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21159602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowenabane/pseuds/rowenabane
Summary: Mark has never been to this church before.





	spirit lead me (where my trust is without borders)

If there is one thing Mark will remember after all of this, it will be the songs. 

He knows them now like the back of his hand, knows every variation of them, the flow of voices and the soft bouncing of piano keys. He knows the older ones that speak of _ following, restraint, caution _ , layered over notes that drag out like a long silent sigh into the night. He knows the newer ones with shouted lyrics, lyrics that dance over notes that ring carefree against the walls. He knows all the lyrics: they sing of _ redemption, forgiveness, strength _.

Mark knows this: any building can be a church if you believe.

He’s sitting in the back pew of a small church, the inside much nicer than the industrial, worn outside. It looks like a rundown apartment, on the outside—on the inside it has cream walls and windows tinted varying shades of blue and green and pink. The place looks warm but all Mark feels is cold, cold, cold.

_ You call me out upon the waters _

Someone welcomes Mark to the church, stopping to shake his hand and telling him that it’s so nice to see a new face. It’s an old man that continues to happily jabber at Mark as he smiles and nods. He offers him a piece of candy that he accepts, shoving it deep in his pocket. The old man continues to talk. It’s routine. A formality of being a stranger in a place where everything is supposed to familiar.

A song is playing somewhere, but everything is fading, fading.

_ The great unknown where feet may fail _

The voice fades away and Mark is standing. He knows this one, has heard this song a hundred and one times before, and every time he is compelled to sing it. He presses the palms of his hands against the pew in front of him, eyes fixed on the wall above the cross in front of the podium. It is right there in the edge of his vision but he can’t quite look at it, not fully. It burns to look at. It hurts.

_ And there I find You in the mystery _

The song ends and another starts and Mark knows this one too, feels the song reverberate in his chest even as it feels his ribs caving in. For a second the world vanishes and it is just him, and the song, and the thought of forgiveness that he cannot have.

The song ends and everyone sits down in one smooth, rehearsed motion. Mark follows, knows this one well. The pastor speaks, and he tells of arrogance that ruins lives, that separates one from the Lord, that leads to destruction. He talks of promises the Lord makes, talks about retribution and redemption and_ love _ (always _ love _ , the pastors like to speak of _ love _). The words blur together in one long stream and Mark is losing focus, is trying to focus on that one spot on the wall above the cross but even then his eyes grow tired.

The pastor asks everyone to pray for the person next to them and Mark feels a hand on his shoulder, warm through his shirt. A man sitting next to him gives him a knowing smile, soft and kind, and begins to whisper softly under his breath. _ Guidance, _ he whispers. _ Understanding. Faith. Fearlessness. _

He looks straight at Mark, and his gaze seems to go right through him. “What’s your name?”

Mark is stunned for a moment, and even as the words leave his mouth he curses himself. “My name is Mark.”

“I’m Jaehyun,” the man says quietly, smiling. “Just know you’re always welcome here, Mark.”

Mark stares at him for a second, the room growing quieter even as Mark’s thoughts roar in his head.

_ And I will call upon Your name _

_ And I will call upon Your name _

_ And I will call upon Your name _

…

Mark goes back to the church the following Sunday. He usually doesn’t do that.

He sits in the back pew and someone slides in next to him, the wood creaking as a body settles above it. Mark turns to see Jaehyun, who smiles at him. He’s carrying a bible in one hand and Mark’s heart in the other, even if neither of them realizes it.

“You came back,” Jaehyun says, smiling.

“I shouldn’t have.” Mark looks at that space on the wall above the cross and feels his skin burn. There’s a stabbing pain in his hand and he realizes his fist is clenched so tight his nails are cutting into his skin. He tries to relax and looks at Jaehyun, forehead creased. The worship band is gathering at the front of the church, right behind the podium. When the song starts Mark knows it. He always does.

Jaehyun frowns at him for a second and then smiles, patting him on the back.

_ You call me out upon the waters _

When Jaehyun sings, he sings with his eyes closed and his palms lifted to the sky. He is so caught up in the act of worship that it seems that he is the only person in the whole church, a whole being of praise and love. Mark tries to focus on the words of the song but all he can focus on is Jaehyun, eyes closed, smiling as he sings.

_ The great unknown where feet may fail _

Mark wants that peace. Wants it so bad he isn't afraid of reach out and grab it, even take it if he must.

_ And there I find You in the mystery _

The sermon today is about restraint. It's about holding back from the things the flesh wants, about working against the nature of one’s body. It’s about chaining yourself to your own prison. At least, that's what Mark hears. 

This lesson, like many others, he knows well.

At the end of the service, Jaehyun turns to him with a megawatt smile, all kindness and grace, and asks him if he would like to attend bible study this Wednesday. He says he’ll be leading it. He says he would like Mark to come.

Mark says he’ll try. He doesn’t know if he actually will.

...

He doesn’t go to bible study. Instead, he waits outside the church in the dark, standing in the middle of the parking lot with his hands shoved in his pockets. His breath mists in the air in front of him, the night so much colder than the day. There are no streetlights, and all Mark can truly make out of the church is light in the small painted windows. Standing here, it just looks like an old building, a rundown brick apartment somewhere along the endless stretch of the Bible Belt, unremarkable and plain.

He wonders if Jaehyun wonders where he is. He wonders what Jaehyun is saying inside those doors, if he is smiling, if he is laughing, if he is more beautiful in the night than he is in the day. Mark wonders a lot of things. He wonders what it’s like to be at peace.

Mark shivers and he hears a car pull into the parking lot beside him, hears the engine keep running even though the lights are off. He looks to see the car door open, the old man that once offered him candy staring at him with a confused frown.

“Why are you out here, young man?” he says, looking around the parking lot to see if there is anyone else there. “It’s dark out.”

“I know.”

“Are you going inside? Do you need a ride?” 

Mark turns and the man seems so much closer than before, so close that Mark can smell peppermint on his breath and something else that is sickly sweet.

“I’m good,” Mark says, and he feels the air chill around him. “Thank you.”

“Well, I can’t leave you out here,” the man says lightly, jovially. “Get in. I can take you home.”

_ You call me out upon the waters _

Mark laughs at that.

The door opens and the man reaches out to him but all Mark can think of is _ following, restraint, caution. _ All he can think of is a kind face, of a voice that whispers to him. _ Guidance _ . _ Understanding. Faith. Fearlessness. _

Mark has already been in one place too long. It’s time to move on.

_ The great unknown where feet may fail _

Mark turns, and in one swift motion, he buries the knife in his hand into the old man’s throat.

There’s a horrible gurgle, a widening of eyes, a scrabbling of veiny hands at a throat that gushes open onto the pavement. The old man looks at Mark with confusion and terror and Mark sees that question hanging in his eyes, that question that asks _ why would you do this? _

Mark watches the man writhe until he becomes still on the pavement, blood a black puddle around him. Mark looks at the edge of the knife, gleaming red and dripping, and wipes it on his hoodie. It smears wet against the black.

Mark looks at the church doors and imagines Jaehyun sitting behind them, warm and alive and in love with goodness, while Mark stands in the dark, blood seeping into the soles of his shoes.

Mark looks at the sky, searching for something he is not sure he will find.

_ Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders _

“Let me walk upon the waters,” Mark whispers. “Let me walk away.”

There’s another church out there, another back pew, another throat slashed in the dark, but Mark is so tired. Tired, tired, tired. It has always been the same song, over and over, and Mark knows the lessons. Knows every single one by heart. He knows this: _ Guidance. Understanding. Faith. Fearlessness. _

Mark pulls his hood down and swallows, the knife still in his hand, and walks to the church doors.

“Forgive me,” he whispers into the darkness, into that space always above a cross but not directly at it. “Forgive me.”

He wonders if Jaehyun wonders where he is. He wonders what Jaehyun will say when he sees him.

Mark opens the door and steps inside, light spilling out like a knife against the dark.

_ And I will call upon Your name _

_ And I will call upon Your name _

_ And I will call upon Your name _

**Author's Note:**

> I really be in chapel thinkin about murder


End file.
